Losing a loved one is one of the most profound experiences anyone can face, and for children, it can be especially confusing and overwhelming. Childhood grief is a complex process, often misunderstood or overlooked, but it is crucial to recognise its impact and provide the right support to help children navigate their emotions. In this blog, we’ll explore the effects of bereavement on children, the stages they may go through, and actionable steps to support them through their grief journey.

The Impact of Bereavement on Children

Children experience grief differently from adults. Their understanding of death evolves as they grow, and their reactions can vary depending on their age, developmental stage, and the nature of the loss. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), children may not have the vocabulary or emotional maturity to express their feelings, which can lead to behaviours such as withdrawal, anger, or even regression to earlier developmental stages (APA, 2020).

Research by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a renowned grief counsellor and author of “Healing a Child’s Grieving Heart,” highlights that children often grieve in “doses.” They may appear fine one moment and deeply upset the next, as they process their emotions in smaller, manageable increments. This can make their grief seem less intense than an adult’s, but it is no less significant.

The Grieving Process in Children

Children’s grief is not linear, and it doesn’t follow a set timeline. However, there are common stages or reactions that many children experience:

1. Confusion and Denial: Younger children, in particular, may struggle to understand the permanence of death. They might ask repeated questions like, “When is Grandma coming back?” This is a normal part of their cognitive processing.
2. Anger and Guilt: Children may feel anger toward the deceased for leaving them or guilt, believing they somehow caused the death. For example, a child might think, “If I had been better, Dad wouldn’t have died.”
3. Sadness and Fear: Grief can manifest as deep sadness, fear of abandonment, or anxiety about losing other loved ones. Nightmares or clinginess are common during this stage.
4. Acceptance and Adjustment: Over time, with support, children can learn to accept the loss and adjust to life without their loved one. This doesn’t mean they “get over” the loss, but they learn to live with it.

How to Support a Grieving Child

Supporting a grieving child requires patience, empathy, and open communication. Here are some actionable steps to help:

1. Be Honest and Clear: Use simple, age-appropriate language to explain death. Avoid euphemisms like “passed away” or “gone to sleep,” as these can confuse children. Instead, say, “Their body stopped working, and they died.”
2. Encourage Expression: Allow children to express their feelings in ways that feel natural to them, whether through talking, drawing, writing, or play. Dr. Wolfelt emphasises the importance of creating a safe space for children to share their emotions without judgment.
3. Maintain Routines: Consistency provides a sense of security during a turbulent time. Keeping regular schedules for meals, school, and bedtime can help children feel grounded.
4. Model Healthy Grief: Children often take cues from adults. By expressing your own grief in a healthy way, you show them that it’s okay to feel sad, angry, or confused.
5. Seek Professional Support: If a child’s grief seems prolonged or particularly intense, consider seeking help from a grief counselor or therapist who specialises in childhood bereavement. Organisations like the National Alliance for Grieving Children (NAGC) offer resources and directories to find local support.
6. Create Memorial Rituals: Involve children in activities that honour the deceased, such as planting a tree, creating a memory box, or celebrating their birthday. These rituals can help children process their loss and keep the loved one’s memory alive.

Expert Insights and Resources

Books:

• “The Invisible String” by Patrice Karst: A children’s book that beautifully explains the enduring connection between loved ones, even after death.
• “Helping Children Cope with the Loss of a Loved One” by William C. Kroen: A practical guide for parents and caregivers.

Final Thoughts

Childhood grief is a deeply personal and often misunderstood experience. By acknowledging their pain, providing a safe space for expression, and offering consistent support, we can help children navigate their grief and build resilience. As Dr. Wolfelt reminds us, “Grief is not a problem to be solved but a journey to be accompanied.”

Let’s commit to being compassionate companions on that journey, ensuring that no child has to face their grief alone.

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References:

• American Psychological Association. (2020). Childhood Bereavement: Understanding the Impact and Supporting the Grieving Child.
• Wolfelt, A. (2001). Healing a Child’s Grieving Heart. Companion Press.
• Mayo Clinic. (2021). Grief in Children: How to Help.